I have struggled with my weight my entire life. What I mean by this is ever since I was a little girl I have had to be careful about what I eat and always be sure to get a lot of exercise. They told me early on that I had a very slow metabolism, which has been the curse of my existence. I sometimes wonder why I was born with this body and metabolism and why my siblings, so many of my friends, and numerous others in this world were not. I want to be happy for these people, and I am most of the time. I just wonder why I had to be someone with this curse. It really is awful. Why couldn't I have been cursed with skinny ankles or knobby knees?!
When Elizabeth was born, a lot of people told me that I would get back to my pre-pregnancy weight in no time--that they had done it and so would I. I somewhat believed them but not completely because I know my body and knew how hard it is for me to lose weight. After Elizabeth was born and as I nursed her for several months, this was true. The weight slowly came off. And I was growing more contented. But ever since I stopped nursing, the weight has come back on (I'm 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant--yuk!). I was shocked when I started working here at Baylor and couldn't fit into many of the clothes I bought for this job. Throughout this year, I have gained five more pounds.
I try everything. I eat VERY healthy all of the time--I love fruits and veggies. I eat oatmeal for breakfast. I eat a sandwich with carrots and celery (instead of chips, well, most of the time) for lunch, and I eat healthy dinners. I don't eat much junk. And still, no loss of weight. Of course I have bad habits like eating pretzels or crackers late at night and drinking Diet Cokes every day. I've tried the GI Diet, the South Beach Diet, the Slim in Six Diet, the Beachbody Diet, the Oprah Diet...all of it. And nothing has worked.
And now my mind has become so obsessed with my weight that I have finally recognized how much this constant thinking about my weight is hurting me. I see this as something Satan has placed in my path to take over my mind and my heart. He wants me to look down on myself and to take away my confidence. I think it has made me more shy and less bold and confident (like I felt I was in the past). I think it's cost me some friendships because I always think people see me the way I see myself. Even when Elizabeth looks at me, I wonder if she's thinking, "My mom is so fat!" It is a constant struggle--not just daily, but by the minute and by the hour. And I don't want to be so encompassed by my weight, but I'm not sure what to do. It's been there my whole life and only when I feel "skinny" (at least skinny for me) do I feel confident and love life. And I DON'T want to feel that way. I want to love life and enjoy living no matter how much I weigh.
This is one reason that I decided to go on the sugar fast. I wanted to spend a lot of time praying about this issue and asking him to take this struggle away--the internal one. I didn't do it to lose weight [In fact, after 3 weeks (minus 2 days for the Memorial Day holiday), I hadn't lost a pound.--I know! Can you believe that?!!]. I've read that when you go without a certain type of food for so long that you stop craving it, but that hasn't been true for me. Anyway, I feel somewhat better about myself now that I'm doing this sugar fast, but it's still a constant struggle. I just get so worried that everyone who sees me won't like me because of my weight. I know that is so illogical--I mean I see overweight people and don't think that about them. But my heart feels differently. My brain knows that it's what's inside that matters, but I think Satan keeps telling me that if your body doesn't look good then the inside of you is ugly as well (because I'm shy, have a low self-confidence, am so obsessed with myself and don't think of others, etc.). God, please show me your love and forgiveness. I'm so sorry for my self-absorption and my lack of trust in you. Help me do better. Amen. I covet your prayers as well, dear friends.
This and That
7 years ago
12 comments:
I will keep you in my prayers!
Oh, Kara. We are kindred spirits! I can identify with every word you wrote as something I am currently feeling or have felt in the past. I know what it's like to have a sister who is skinny and perfect! I know what it's like to feel ashamed for feeling so jealous of others. I hate the way that it comsumes me sometimes. It affects every relationship you have in some way! I hate feeling like the "fat friend", and I hate the way I think of insults that I assume strangers at the mall are thinking about me! Oh, this is such personal stuff, but the fact that you wrote about it makes me feel like I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm sure there are others, too. Thank you for such an honest blog. Let's email!
I can relate to your post somewhat since I have yet to shed my baby weight either. Cooper is almost 15 months old and I'm no thinner than the day I stopped nursing him. I know it's partly my fault since I don't always eat the best and excerise is my weakness. I just don't make time for it. I never had a "weight problem" before having kids so this is a new thing for me. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Please do not feel that you are alone. MANY of us struggle with losing weight after kids and I think once we hit that 30 mark, it makes it even harder. Hang in there!!
Kara, your words speak for so many women and your confessions are opening you up now to allow the glory of the Lord to be radiated even more through the life you lead. I'm seeing it right now.
Isn't the enemy sneaky? There's no doubt you've made him squirm by recongnizing his lies. I will be praying that you will continue to rebuke what Satan is telling you to bring you down. Hang in there, and thanks for your "sweet" confession.
Keep trusting in Him...
I am right with you and I really appreciate this post from you. You were the first persone that had ever said anything to me about gaining weight after you finish nursing. I had always thought it came off and stayed off. All you ever hear is how much weight you loose nursing. Noone ever talks about it coming back when you stop. I gained 10 once I quit! I plan to be better prepared this next time. I have this same battle as you and I always have!
The time I was the happiest about my weight was when I got married and the only reason I had lost so much was because I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I have decided the only way for me to loose anything is to have my teeth pulled! We will need to talk next weekend.
I think you look great!
Hi Kara, I came across your blog today and wanted to leave a comment. Thank you for sharing your struggle with your weight with us all. I too have 10 extra pounds from pre-baby! Have you had your thyroid checked? There can be several medical reasons why you can't lose weight...makes me wonder if something else (out of your control) is going on...especially if you eat like you are (healthy). Just some thoughts.
Alexis (Onstott) Kennedy
Oh, Kara. What can I say. I love you so much!! I hate that you feel Satan is attacking you in this way. I know you have had this stuggle for so long and it just gets tiresome for you to deal with.
I have never had to really worry about my weight until after kids and it is hard to break patterns that have been developed for so many years. Something just happens to our bodies after we have kids, get older and don't have(or make) the time to exercise. It is hard to face the fact that Imy body is not the same, and it may never be. And to accept that. All this to say, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! While not many people are as open and honest as you have been, there are so many of us struggling with our self-image and low confidence because of our weight or physical appearance.It is hard to look at your body and think about how one used to look. And it is so hard when there are people we are around who "seem" to have no problem with lany of this. I will keep you in my prayers.
I love you and I want you to feel special and loved. There is no need for you to be shy or lack confidence. You are a woman of Gof. You are someone I am proud to call sister and friend.
rainbowsTo my precious Kara--who is beautiful in our eyes in every way. We love you so much. You are so very beautiful. Your spirit blesses us, your smiles light up your face and watching you with Elizabeth is one of the most beautiful sights I ever see. I guess you might say we are blind or prejudiced, but I don't think you would be right. I cannot look at that gorgeous daughter of yours (ours!) without seeing your face. You are so very beautiful! Tell Satan which direction he should go! I think--I'm very positive--he knows the way. Love you, Mom (the Granna one)
rainbowsTo my precious Kara--who is beautiful in our eyes in every way. We love you so much. You are so very beautiful. Your spirit blesses us, your smiles light up your face and watching you with Elizabeth is one of the most beautiful sights I ever see. I guess you might say we are blind or prejudiced, but I don't think you would be right. I cannot look at that gorgeous daughter of yours (ours!) without seeing your face. You are so very beautiful! Tell Satan which direction he should go! I think--I'm very positive--he knows the way. Love you, Mom (the Granna one)
I think you're hot.
Kara--you're beautiful and know that you are in my prayers, just like all the others who have posted. I know this is something you have struggled with your entire life, but its good you have recognized that Satan is trying to bring you down and work his way into this aspect of your life. Keep your chin up and know that God will give you the strength to fight this battle.
By the way, I think you're beautiful and you have such a good heart. Your love for life, your family, your career, for God radiates in everything you do. Anthony and I talk often about you and how proud we are of your accomplishments; you're the only one in the family with a PhD...that you earned in less than 4 years while being pregnant and having a baby to take care of. I love you, sister!!!
Kara,
I know how you feel!! ONe of the comments from Alison said something about feeling like the "fat friend". I know how it feels to feel that you are doing EVERYTHING you can and nothing works. Keep your chin up and don't give in! (Hey, let me look in the mirror as I say that!!) Love and miss you!!
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