Body Reflections, or Confessions

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. What I mean by this is ever since I was a little girl I have had to be careful about what I eat and always be sure to get a lot of exercise. They told me early on that I had a very slow metabolism, which has been the curse of my existence. I sometimes wonder why I was born with this body and metabolism and why my siblings, so many of my friends, and numerous others in this world were not. I want to be happy for these people, and I am most of the time. I just wonder why I had to be someone with this curse. It really is awful. Why couldn't I have been cursed with skinny ankles or knobby knees?!

When Elizabeth was born, a lot of people told me that I would get back to my pre-pregnancy weight in no time--that they had done it and so would I. I somewhat believed them but not completely because I know my body and knew how hard it is for me to lose weight. After Elizabeth was born and as I nursed her for several months, this was true. The weight slowly came off. And I was growing more contented. But ever since I stopped nursing, the weight has come back on (I'm 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant--yuk!). I was shocked when I started working here at Baylor and couldn't fit into many of the clothes I bought for this job. Throughout this year, I have gained five more pounds.

I try everything. I eat VERY healthy all of the time--I love fruits and veggies. I eat oatmeal for breakfast. I eat a sandwich with carrots and celery (instead of chips, well, most of the time) for lunch, and I eat healthy dinners. I don't eat much junk. And still, no loss of weight. Of course I have bad habits like eating pretzels or crackers late at night and drinking Diet Cokes every day. I've tried the GI Diet, the South Beach Diet, the Slim in Six Diet, the Beachbody Diet, the Oprah Diet...all of it. And nothing has worked.

And now my mind has become so obsessed with my weight that I have finally recognized how much this constant thinking about my weight is hurting me. I see this as something Satan has placed in my path to take over my mind and my heart. He wants me to look down on myself and to take away my confidence. I think it has made me more shy and less bold and confident (like I felt I was in the past). I think it's cost me some friendships because I always think people see me the way I see myself. Even when Elizabeth looks at me, I wonder if she's thinking, "My mom is so fat!" It is a constant struggle--not just daily, but by the minute and by the hour. And I don't want to be so encompassed by my weight, but I'm not sure what to do. It's been there my whole life and only when I feel "skinny" (at least skinny for me) do I feel confident and love life. And I DON'T want to feel that way. I want to love life and enjoy living no matter how much I weigh.

This is one reason that I decided to go on the sugar fast. I wanted to spend a lot of time praying about this issue and asking him to take this struggle away--the internal one. I didn't do it to lose weight [In fact, after 3 weeks (minus 2 days for the Memorial Day holiday), I hadn't lost a pound.--I know! Can you believe that?!!]. I've read that when you go without a certain type of food for so long that you stop craving it, but that hasn't been true for me. Anyway, I feel somewhat better about myself now that I'm doing this sugar fast, but it's still a constant struggle. I just get so worried that everyone who sees me won't like me because of my weight. I know that is so illogical--I mean I see overweight people and don't think that about them. But my heart feels differently. My brain knows that it's what's inside that matters, but I think Satan keeps telling me that if your body doesn't look good then the inside of you is ugly as well (because I'm shy, have a low self-confidence, am so obsessed with myself and don't think of others, etc.). God, please show me your love and forgiveness. I'm so sorry for my self-absorption and my lack of trust in you. Help me do better. Amen. I covet your prayers as well, dear friends.